Stormers an embarrasment

I can't believe I got up to watch that rubbish.

Kobus van der Merwe might just (hopefully) be the first coach to be fired on tour.

Frankly, the Stormers could not have contrived to play more poorly if they tried. It is so difficult to believe their ineptness in every facet of play, lack of intensity and general disinterest that if it were cricket, there would be a match fixing investigation.

It's not even worth doing an analysis. You could cut and paste most of last week's review into this week's. Except everything was even worse. But some of my miserable memories include Brent Russell being the only man to attempt to clear the ruck after six phases of attack on the 30 minute mark. Just before half time, Tiaan Liebenberg stood in the scrumhalf position throwing his hands in the air at frustration at the slow ball. Uh, duh? Maybe you should have been cleaning you fat oaf.

I'll just direct you to last week's criticism of JP Joubert's step-before-pass deficiency. Because this week, let's add him taking the blind with Andries Bekker outside him, marked by a wing in about a 5m corridor. Great option. Or taking an up and under under pressure from the chase with feet flat on the ground.

But I didn't think much of JP Joubert anyway. It was more distressing to see players that we marveled over last season doing their best to impersonate schoolboy 5th team. Last year I heard Jannie Engelbrecht describe Gio Aplon as one of the finest talents he had ever seen. He was woeful today. He dropped passes, was nowhere in positional play and looked disinterested on attack.

We raved about Robbie Diack last year. His workrate was pathetic today.

Luke Watson played well enough last season to create a national outcry over his Springbok omission. He is anonymous this season. The left-right experiment with Schalk Burger is proving a dismal failure with Burger looking frustrated. At least Burger looks like he's trying though.

Brent Russell looks like a one-trick-pony since moving south. He jinks every time he takes a pass at flyhalf. In fact he seems so intent at drawing the extra man that he forgets to get the ball out efficiently. His shocker pass that resulted in an intercept try for the Highlanders was a result of not even glancing at the man on his outside.

I'm a bit worried about Bekker's performance on the wing (!). He scored a fantastic try, and out-chased backs for a grubber put through by Burger - but if he'd played things tighter and did his first job of cleaning in the loose, would there not have been more opportunities.

Maybe Bekker was playing a left-right split field combination. It can be the only explanation for the number of forwards standing out wide.

Talking of patterns, I'm not sure the mix-and-match approach of bringing Russell in at flyhalf on second phase ball is working. It seems to leave Grant out of play and the Stormers with no attacking pattern.

I'm not going to say anything about Jean de Villiers except to say that I motivated for him to be dropped two weeks ago. He should have been.

Make no mistake - this was the weakest Highlanders team we'll see for many years. This after the same could have been said of last week's Chiefs.

The fact is that the same can be said of the current Stormers team. And they're not even in the same league as their competitors (Chiefs win notwithstanding).

I'm conscious being incredibly negative. Well, kudos to the groundsman at Carisbrook. That was the best looking rugby pitch ever. It puts Newlands cricket ground to shame. And it was the best New Zealand weather I've ever seen.

Stormers guilty of the biggest problem in South African rugby

Jean de Villiers pickpockets another intercept try Photo: Getty Images

South African rugby has many issues that need to be addressed. Among those issues, one can debate cause and effect. But the biggest single issue is the speed of second phase ball.

As I said one can debate cause and effect. For sure, slow ruck ball is often a result of poor commitment and cleaning out at the breakdown. It might also be caused by the set up of the ruck or maul - poor choice of field position for the ruck / maul engagement can also be the source of the problem. And most often it is likely due to poor protection of the ball allowing opponents to slow down recycling.

It is delightful that the Stormers carded a win on their third attempt of the Super 14 season. But in truth, the Chiefs were not the strongest competition.

Against better sides with stiff ruck and maul competition, the Stormers will again look like the side we saw over the last two weeks. Their backs will look innocuous and their flyhalf will look flatfooted.

So whether the Stormers improved showing was due to the wholesale changes in personnel or the quality of opposition is debatable.

That said, Peter Grant very good. He was more direct as Kobus van der Merwe promised. He started his kicking duties with aplomb before falling away later. After working well in the inside centre position with Naas Olivier on his inside, his delayed return to the side from injury was overdue. It is still my opinion that Grant offers more at inside centre than Jean de Villiers.

De Villiers was better tonight though. He held his line on defence and looked more of a factor on attack. He snaffled a trademark intercept to score a runaway try that ultimately took the game away from the Chiefs. If he can increase his levels of commitment, I'd like to see him outside Grant at 13.

Wholesale changes may have accounted for the 20 missed tackles from the Stormers. It must have been very difficult to organise and entirely new line on defence. However, the figure is unacceptable and the Stormers were lucky not to leak more tries than the one resulting from a missed Corne Uys effort.

Getting back to that slow ball, a further reason for it was the service of JP Joubert. He takes a step on every pass from the base. Placing the front foot down the line of the pass is fine. Stepping with your back foot before passing delays the pass substantially. It's a flaw in technique that should have been corrected at schoolboy level and was the subject of frustration when observed by Doc Craven. He apparently remarked that if the scrummie took a step, the delay worked its way through the line leaving outside backs no chance at all.

Lastly with regard to the backs, I thought Brent Russell looked innocuous at full back. He played in the flyhalf channel enough to allow for glimpses of form. There didn't seem to be much. Is he overrated or have years of benchtime blunted one of South Africa's deadliest attackers?

In the scrum, the Stormers looked poor. Proving that dominant scrumming is often due more to technique rather than weight, the Stormers often looked shaky on their own ball. Brock Harris looked good but JD Moller looked to struggle with his bind. Behind him, the tight five couldn't have been helped with three loosies waiting to break rather than contributing to the shove.

In the loose, Harris and Gerrie Brits were outstanding in their contribution to tackles and cleaning. Bekker looked a much better player too. Letting the side down was Tiaan Liebenberg whose line-out throwing was putrid.

Schalk Burger had a tough day at the office due to some shocking refereeing. He was first pinged for playing a player in the ruck while off his feet. Replays showed it was Brock Harris AND he was on his feet. It happened directly in front of the referee. It began Burger's vocal dissatisfaction. Burger's third offence was for bringing down a maul. Replays showed him knocked off his feet and the maul falling over him. His indignation at the yellow card almost resulted in a red. I hope Paul Marx is censured for an unacceptable level of refereeing. But Schalk Burger needs to keep his temper.

So a lot for the Stormers to work on. They'll be missing that offer of Frederico Mendez to help as a scrum coach. They should never have turned that down. They will also have to focus on ball protection and cleaning at ruck and maul time. They don't need any specialist coach for that.

More of the same?

So we're off in the 2007 Super 14. We're all wondering whether the SA teams will finally compete again and praying that we'll have a team to cheer to a final win.

Do our teams have the same level of desire and ambition?

Well, with the exception of a fine effort from the Sharks pack, it could be more of the same.

I didn't see the Lions match on Friday. I'm told that despite another change in coach, Tim Lane's cry is still unanswered: the coach has still not received 15 guys who can tackle. Let's hope things change. Most people would like to see Loffie Eloff achieve some success.

Onto the local derbies. Much elation should accompany the Sharks win. They have possibly the best SA draw ever. Beating the Bulls is more than a home win - it shows they can gain ascendency in the tight phases and if one thing this weekend has proved for the umpteenth time that its very difficult to win if you can't mix it up with the big boys.

Sadly, the handling dished up by the Bulls and the Sharks was putrid. Let's be honest - rugby is a game often played in pouring rain and Durban humidity might be awful, but it's not a downpour. You'd be forgiven for having thought so when considering 39 unforced errors. That's got to change if either of these two teams are going to go all the way this year.

I must say, despite the claims of forthcoming "total rugby" from the Bulls, I battled to see the signs. It's looked like the same brand to me. And with that brand, the team seems clueless whenever their intimidatory, physical style fails to knock over their opponents.

I thought there was a lack of standout players on both sides, but kudos to the Sharks pack. They laid the platform well.

The opposite can be said for the Stormers light five. Yes, the jokes are well-placed. The Stormers lesson was most authoritatively given by Professor Ollie le Roux. I may not know much about front-row play, but even I could see the working over Ollie gave Eddie Andrews and Brock Harris. He played the ref well and had Andrews alternatively pinged for scrumming inwards and losing the bind. Camera work showed Ollie's role.

Despite the absence of Barend Pieterse, the Free State team looked good in the lineouts, and with the lack of go-forward, the much vaunted Stormers loose trio lacked any platform to build on. Clearly the backs were to suffer far more of the same, and Brent Russell would have suffered from the same static ball that Naas Olivier received. Both the Stormers and the Cheetahs should be applauded for their defence - it was resolute and attrition resulted in the Cheetahs points.

An exception is Jean de Villiers. He was awful in every aspect. He rushed off his line on defence, and generally walked around looking for an opportunity to score a runaway try. On one occasion he had the mark on Philip Burger and gave up immediately the flyer received the ball. Gio Aplon made the try-saving cover tackle.

The jury will be out on the "left-right" experiment with Luke Watson and Schalk Burger. I still have a suspicion that Schalk's true position is eighth man. I'd like to see Joe van Niekerk on the blind, Schalk at the back and Luke on the open side. I think you allow each to exploit the strengths to the full.

Of course I'm biased, but there must be some Cheetahs supporters who'd also like to knee-cap Philip Burger. His theatrics after a late brush from Schalk Burger ended abruptly on the award of a yellow card. We don't need soccer performances on a rugby field. He tends to milk the ref, the crowd and the opposition at every opportunity. He must have had some big friends at school...

Will the Cheetahs be able to beat the best? It will depend on whether they can play the total game. They have the ingredients - a strong tight-five, good defence, good tactics, under-sung loosies and a promising backline. Even Marius Joubert could come good for them. I wonder if they lack a dominating flyhalf? I'd prefer to see Meyer Bosman given an extended run there. We'll have to see.